I just wanted to fall asleep.
And not wake up.
For a long long time.
I was tired.
Not the kind of tired that is cured by a good night's sleep.
But the kind of tired that you feel in your bones, in your heart and in your soul.
Like a chronic condition that causes physical pain can make you feel tired.
The last 2 years of pain have made my soul achingly tired.
I tried and tried and tried.
But it wasn't enough.
I'm never enough.
I lost myself in the process.
I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror anymore.
I stopped caring about everything.
The little things that used to make me smile just made me numb.
I am numb and yet
It hurts so fucking much.
I feel like I can't breathe.
It's like my heart has stopped beating and yet
Some cruel twist of fate keeps me here.
Its changed me.
I will never be the same again.
I know time will help.
The pain won't necessarily pass but I will learn to live with it.
It will forever have a home in the deepest darkest corner of my heart.
That is where he will stay forever.
Burned into my soul like the stars in the sky.
And like a star, it burned life into me like a scorching flame at first.
And like a star, it burned out until there was nothing left but a vast blackness.
A blackness that I will carry with me to my grave.
It's a strange feeling trying to write a bio when you don't quite feel like yourself anymore. They say pain changes people and I'll admit, at this present moment I feel like I will never be the same again.
However I hope in writing this it will help me to remember some of the things that make me "me".
I was born Stephanie Anne Routledge in the summer of 1986
My parents legally changed my name to Stephanie Anne Hall aged 14
I legally changed my name to Stephanie Hope age 35
My reason? I wanted to shed the last layer of my past.
Why Hope? Because there is always Hope. No matter how dark the past, no matter how hard the battle, no matter how great the heartache. There is always Hope.
Without Hope. I would not be where I am today.
I will tell you more about my dark past, my battles and my heartaches in future posts.
But for now, I will tell you about all of the little things that make me "me".
Because one day when we look back on life, we will come to realise that it was the little things that mattered most....
My favourite colour is the sunset. How do you even describe that? The purples, pinks, ambers, bright oranges, musky yellow hues. The beauty in no matter how bad the day, it can always end beautifully.
I love the sound of the rain. Sitting in my car with a good blanket and book. Sitting in my conservatory with a mug of tea watching it run down the windows. Sat in the garden, head pointing skyward letting it wash your soul clean.
Watching my children grow and become beautiful little humans.
Their dirty little laughs when you tickle them,
Listening to them read.
Their beautiful smiles.
Their little feet and hands when they were babies.
Their drawings and little love notes.
Their curiosity and innocence
I adore cuddles, big bear hugs.
The feeling of being safe and loved and cared for in another's arms.
The way he used to lie in bed staring into my eyes
The way he used to smell
The warmth of his naked skin on mine
I love the smell, taste and warmth of a good cup of tea.
The way it seems to soothe your soul.
The escape of a good book.
The mindless comfort of embroidery.
The smell of the woods on a wet day.
The sound of crunchy leaves under my feet in autumn.
The way the sun shines through the red, brown and gold leaves.
I live for Autumn.
I love the smell of rain, the feel in the air when there's a thunderstorm coming.
The smell of the sea carried on the rain.
The gentle sound of the ocean waves lapping at the shore.
The soft trickle of a stream carving its way through rock and mud.
Driving in the dark.
Streetlights glistening from a plane window.
The smell of doughnuts from fair vendors.
New life. Lambs in the fields in spring.
The cherry blossoms in bloom on my street in April.
Hydrangeas, especially blue ones.
The stars on a clear night sky.
The cold breeze on your skin of a chilly evening .
The crackle of a log fire.
All these little things in life, give me so much joy.
These are the things I will miss when I am gone.