I just wanted to fall asleep.
And not wake up.
For a long long time.
I was tired.
Not the kind of tired that is cured by a good night's sleep.
But the kind of tired that you feel in your bones, in your heart and in your soul.
Like a chronic condition that causes physical pain can make you feel tired.
The last 2 years of pain have made my soul achingly tired.
I tried and tried and tried.
But it wasn't enough.
I'm never enough.
I lost myself in the process.
I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror anymore.
I stopped caring about everything.
The little things that used to make me smile just made me numb.
I am numb and yet
It hurts so fucking much.
I feel like I can't breathe.
It's like my heart has stopped beating and yet
Some cruel twist of fate keeps me here.
Its changed me.
I will never be the same again.
I know time will help.
The pain won't necessarily pass but I will learn to live with it.
It will forever have a home in the deepest darkest corner of my heart.
That is where he will stay forever.
Burned into my soul like the stars in the sky.
And like a star, it burned life into me like a scorching flame at first.
And like a star, it burned out until there was nothing left but a vast blackness.
A blackness that I will carry with me to my grave.