So today I re-activated my facebook account and posted my first post in 6 months!!!
Was it scary- Hell yes!!
Was I expecting the support and comments that I got - Hell no!
Its so shitty being your own worst enemy honestly, you could find someone who hates me and listen to them say awful things about me and I'd probably sit there nodding like "yep, yep I know". Because honestly I've most definitely said worse things to myself than anybody else. But it was actually lovely to hear from those who had noticed my absence or thought/wondered about me, It makes me extremely grateful that in amongst all the craziness in the world at the moment that somebody has taken the time to allow me to cross their mind. Blessed!
Scary to put myself back out there verbally again when I've been in my own little world for the last few months. So why now? Why did I leave in the first place?
Why did I leave....
I found myself seeking approval, a lot. Being incredibly insecure and having low self esteem, putting yourself out there on a social media platform is massive if you don't have the correct mental mindset to back it up. Nobody likes your post.... nobody likes me. Nobody comments on your post.... nobody cares. Nobody laughs at your meme.... I must be boring. Honestly that shits a killer!!!
I found myself comparing my relationships. *Susans* fella always posts about her and tags her in stuff, you never post about me/us... you mustn't love me, you must be ashamed of me, why are you hiding me away, do I not make you proud, do you not care about all the amazing things we do?? Massive headfock.
I found myself comparing my parenting skills. *Debbie* has posted her crafting with kids, her house looks spotless, she looks amazing, her kids are well dressed, they look so happy..... Whereas I haven't brushed my teeth that day, I'm still wearing yesterdays makeup, My hair resembles a birds nest, the house is upside down and looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji, the kids are arguing like cat and dog and I want to go and lock myself in the ensuite loo with a brew and a twix. To me, I was failing at parenting.
Comparison is the theif of joy.
Then, my physical health has been taking a battering. Mainly in the form of vestibular migraines. There was talk it could be menieres but my hearing hasn't been damaged so that's been pushed to the side. Imagine being fine one minute, then all of a sudden feeling like you've just come off the waltzers, everything is spinning, your vision goes blurry, you're sensitive to light, sound, smells, then nausea and vomiting. The anxiety that comes with it is exhausting, not knowing when its going to happen, being scared to go out in the car alone, no longer going for nice long hikes. Not being able to work. My social anxiety started to creep back up on me massively, I no longer take the kids out like I used to, I'd say I'm slightly aggrephobic because of it all. I've been on a few different medications, I'm currently trialling one that seems to be helping and having a review once a month and upping my dose as needed, the pills I'm on a short lasting but if they continue to help there's the option of a long lasting 24 hour pill, but I need to build up my current dose before I can switch.
Somewhere among all of this my thyroid went out of sync and I slowly gained 2 stone tipping the scale at 12stone 8 which for my hobbit height was not good at all. My self esteem and negative thoughts just loved that!! Since January 1st I've lost 1stone 5lbs, halfway to my goal weight of a much healthier 9 stone 7lbs. Not by any way have I found it easy with having the chronic conditions I have. For example a heavy workout makes me bleed like i'm having a period, a heavy session on my exercise bike followed by 60 sit ups... bleeding. Single legged deadlifts with my 16kg kettle bell tweaked my lower back (degenerative disc disease) so I couldn't walk properly for 4 days, haha its sucks but it's not stopping me, slow progress is progress and being halfway there makes me incredibly happy and even more determined to smash my goals.
So yes my mental health has taken an absolute beasting to be honest, there's been a lot going on in my personal relationship too which have also been a massive massive strain but hopefully behind us now and has helped to strengthen us. Then there's finances which have been difficult to balance being out of work so I've had that added stress. It's been shite!! I've found myself lost on my journey. What the fock am I doing with life. Its flying by me, why on earth am I not grabbing it with both hands!? I felt stuck, not moving forwards.
What do I want to do with my life? What is my purpose. I want to teach, I want to work with children. Being a parent gave me purpose, a reason to survive, its challenging but ultimately rewarding. So I'm going to college in September to do my cache teaching assistant course. I want to travel, I want to take my kids abroad and adventure not only with them but my best friend too. So Novemeber just gone I took 5 children abroad, crazy stressful mind but it made me proud as fock!! I've got a few adventures in the pipeline, I want to travel, I want to document it, I want my children to see their mum full of zest for life and give them something to aspire to so i have 6 adventures planned in the next 18 months and i can't wait, it gives me hope. I want to learn to paddleboard, have done for ages, so I'm getting a board, I want to embroider, so I've started building my kit up and have embroider designs ready to go, that I'll hopefully be selling on here very soon!!
I've taken lots of backwards steps mentally but I'm still fighting. I'm still putting that war paint on most days and facing things. I'm trying to think of all the positives and give myself reassurance that way, so...
I'm still here, still alive, still living this beautiful life.
I have 5 amazing children whom make me so proud and are a credit to me because of the parent I am, even on the days I feel like a crap mum.
I have a roof over my head and a lovely home.
I have a car which gets us from a -b
I have somebody who truly loves me and he really does regardless of what the self doubt in my head tells me.
I have a small but close knit circle of family and friends around me whom I love and cherish that I know will always love and support my craziness.
Not every day will be a good day, but there will be something good in every day I promise. Who gives a fock if you've not had the energy to brush your teeth, some days just getting through the day is a massive achievement, so if you're here, present, fighting, even on the days you dont' want to be. Know that, you are absolutely bloody amazing, you're loved, you're enough, you're not alone and you've got this!