My Mental Health

So I've been pondering my mental health a LOT lately, like I know I have a few conditions so to speak and if I'm brutally I actually focking hate putting a label on who I am, to explain the way I am or the way I behave/act/perceive things. So here's the list....

Complex PTSD
GAD (generalised anxiety disorder)
Body Dysmorphia

​More recently added to the list...
OCD. Now when I think (or previously thought) of OCD I would think of somebody cleaning all the time, a germaphobe, Having to wash their hands a gazillion times, switching plugs on and off, that sort of shit. After speaking to my therapist about my thoughts over the past, not only my own but my boyfriends past behaviour and girls etc she explained to me that my type of obsessive thoughts and behaviour is actually a form of OCD and it massively shocked me.

Ref his past I would get really obsessive and need to know every minute detail, then obsess over the details and need to know more, we'd have a great day then all of a sudden I'd think of something, over think it a million times and wind myself up to the point I'd snap and it'd cause an argument. I'd keep myself awake at night thinking about it, I'd often wake up thinking about it. This destructive cycle went on and off for a few months and really put a massive strain on our relationship. Now I'm extremely lucky to have a partner who's past hasn't been so rosy either and emotionally and mentally he is 110% understanding and supportive but it would get extremely frustrating for him and get him down too.

Who the fock wants to keep reliving/retelling their past, going back to a person they no longer are, thinking about things they've not thought of for years, things that are totally not even relevant on their now chosen life path. I told him many times, I wouldn't of been able to personally cope with me, I'd of left my ass! It's not as straight cut as it sounds, there were a few on going issues in our relationship reference the odd white lie about things spiralling my trust issues down a mountain again and I honestly think that's what set it off. However owning up to my own shit, I had to do a few exercises at home to rewire my thinking so to speak and I would say the last month or so has seen a massive improvement in things and a good few steps forward back in the right direction. I still have the odd moment where the thoughts creep in but I'm much more educated now and better equipped at shutting them off and rationalising with myself to remind myself what's relevant, what's important to my chosen path and what I can control and what I cant. If you're ever struggling with anything mental health wise please speak out, seek support, be it from your spouse, your best friend, your partner, your doctor. Seek help, we all need a helping hand sometimes and even a different perspective/set of eyes to help us see the light.

The other thing I want to discuss in this post is something that I think I may possibly have but am a bit scared about. Now I know mental health issues more than likely run in families, now my mothers side has a history of depression and substance abuse and my mother herself has bi polar. Whilst I myself would never abuse substance as I'm a fanny and struggle to take my daily medication that actually keeps me ticking, I am prone to spontaneous and unnecessary spending but that is linked with ptsd too. Anywho the thing I'm trying to get at I can have a really good few days, I'm upbeat, laughing got a stupid sense of humour, want to go out and visit family and friends etc take the tribe on an adventure, then all of a sudden for some reason I have a bad day/days/week where I struggle to motivate myself, I don't want to go out, I can't be arsed with humans, I just want to be left alone. And although I know this could potentially be ptsd or gad I'm terrified its more leaning towards bipolar as I recognise a lot of behaviour in myself that I see in my mum sometimes and just the thought of having another label slapped on my personality/who I am actually cuts to the bone guys.