Today I made myself a brew, then sloped away quietly from the household upstairs to my bedroom, I took my clothes off and turned on the shower, turned the heat up a little hotter than normal. I took a deep breath and then I sat in the shower, with my brew and cried. I let the steaming too hot water burn at my skin to remind me I'm alive and pain is a part of life, I allowed myself to hurt, to cry and allow the water to wash it all away. I needed that moment this morning.
Anxiety is that voice in the back of your head that tells you, you're not good enough and you believe it.
Anxiety is the voice that tells you, nobody likes you, they're just being nice to you because they feel sorry for you and you believe it.
Anxiety tells you that your body is disgusting and you're not worthy of physical attention.
It makes you recoil at sexual affection as you feel repulsed by yourself, they can do better.
It makes you incredibly lonely and want human interaction, But then makes you isolate yourself out of fear of what others will think of you.
You arrange coffee dates with new friends as your desperate to not be the "loner"
Anxiety makes you ignore their texts and calls on the day you're meant to meet because you're scared to let them in.
Anxiety tells you that you're failing as a parent and everything you do is wrong and you think that it's probably true and they're better off without you.
Anxiety tells you you're not good enough for your boyfriend and he could do so much better.
It makes you want to walk away for fear he will eventually see you as you see yourself and leave anyway.
Anxiety tells you that your boyfriend probably looks at other girls the way your ex did.
It tells you, why wouldn't he, you're disgusting, he could do so much better than being with a head mess like you.
Anxiety makes you clingy, needy and constantly need reassurance you're loved and enough.
Even when you get that reassurance it makes you not believe it.
Anxiety makes you recheck the plugs, windows and doors multiple times before going to bed.
It keeps you awake until 3am in the morning, then when you finally sleep you're lulled into nightmares of your past and wake up screaming and covered in sweat.
Anxiety has you overthinking every possible scenario that could happen, most importantly the worst case scenarios so that you can mentally prepare yourself for the oncoming hurt/heart break. It has you breaking your own heart and running to the toilet vomiting out of fear you will get hurt again and be living the same lies again.
Anxiety has you walking past people with your head down out of fear for talking to them, even though you're desperate for human interaction, you're also terrified you will stutter, say something stupid out of nerves, say the wrong words because you're socially awkward and they'll probably not even like you anyway.
Anxiety has you overthinking conversations that you have had, thinking of all the millions of things you could of said or done differently.
Anxiety has you taking everything as a personal attack, you can't take jokes like a normal person can, you internalise it all.
Anxiety has you cancelling events, plans, everything last minute, it has you sat there watching your phone ring, it has you thinking of a million reasons to get out of something it has you pretending you're ill so you don't have to go anywhere, it has you doing all your shopping online as the thought of being stuck in the middle of Asda having a panic attack terrifies you.
Anxiety has you zoning out sitting quietly staring into the distance with panic in your eyes. Because your brain is constantly a million miles an hour you struggle to take things in, information or conversations.
Anxiety isn't a one size fits all, it isn't consistent and it isn't always easy to tell. You might think I've just snapped at you, but it was anxiety that did it, you might think I'm angry, but it's the anxiety that's got a choke hold, you might think I'm not enjoying myself when I do go out and it's your fault, but it's not. It's anxiety.
I can't understand when I ask someone, 'What are you thinking?' Why they would respond with 'nothing.' It's because I never think. . . nothing. My thoughts replay like a freight train in my head full steam ahead, over and over. It's exhausting for me. It's why I'm tired. It's why I struggle to sleep, It's why I can't watch tv because my mind is always racing, always thinking a million different things, sometimes the slightest things on tv shows or films trigger me and I struggle to control and contain my emotions.
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think.
Anxiety is heart-breaking. I wish I could just feel free finally have peace of mind, have silence. The free feeling of just being carefree and not a prisoner to this ugly illness. Free of the voice that follows me listing all my insecurities.
Drinking miracle coffee or necking juice plus? Or maybe you joined a group such as slimming world or weight watchers?? Please (with a cherry on top) stop wasting your money.
All of the above hide a simple common denominator in the form of a calorie deficit, simply put you eat less than what you output. Or in a easier format, you've earn £50 but spend £55 taking you overdrawn and viola you lose money or in this term weight. I'm not going to say lose fat as you can't pick and chose what you lose, if you're in a calorie deficit chances are you will lose muscle mass too, this is where nutrition comes into it too, as if your protein intake is adequate then your muscle loss will be minimal, but we'll get to that another time.
For today I want to teach you the basics. Firstly you need to workout your BMR (basal metabolic rate). You use energy no matter what you're doing, even when sleeping. This BMR calculation will calculate your basal metabolic rate; the number of calories you'd burn off if you were to stay in bed all day.
If you've noticed that every year, it becomes harder to eat whatever you want and stay slim, this is because your BMR decreases as you age. Likewise depriving yourself of food in hopes of losing weight also decreases you BMR. However, a regular routine of cardiovascular exercise can increase your BMR, improving your health and fitness when your body's ability to burn energy gradually slows down. Once you know your BMR, you can calculate your daily calorie needs based on your fitness level.
Here's a couple of ways to work out your BMR...
An easy way is to find out your weight in pounds and multiply it by 10.
So a 150lb woman would do this (150 x 10 = 1500 calories)
another way is this...
Multiply bodyweight in Kg by 24.2 (males) or 22 (females)
So 150lb is 68kg and you would do this (68 x 22 = 1496)
So as you can see above both ways work out nearly exactly the same, I personally prefer working in lbs but it's totally down to your personal preference how you do it.
These are perfect base numbers to start at if you're just starting out trying to lose weight but you'll probably find the more active you become the more calories you will need. You'll need to multiply your calorie needs you've just worked out by one of the figures below, depending on which category you fall into.
Lightly active = BMR x 1.3
Moderately active = BMR x 1.5
Very active = BMR x 1.7
So you now have an idea of what your daily calorie intake should be. I highly recommend downloading a food diary app, my personal favourite is Myfitnesspal, I've been using this app for a few years now and find it fantastic for a free app, and excellent value for money if you also upgrade to premium.
A calorie counting diet allows for extremely flexible dieting. Basically you can eat whatever the fock you want. You want the cake, eat it. You want pancakes and ice cream for breakfast go for it. Want a few drinks on the weekend and a kebab at the end of the night? Gooooooo gurl!!
Just make sure you log all the foods you've eaten on the app and don't go over your daily BMR. Winning.
Another piece of advise is this, if you know you like to have a blow out on the weekend and a few drinks try this...
For example if your daily calorie allowance is 1500, try working towards 1300 calories sunday-fri that gives you an extra 1200 calories to play with on the saturday night on the town with the girls.
Do not weigh yourself more than once a week!!! If you know saturday is going to be your blowout day after the week, don't be a dick and weigh yourself sunday morning as the scales will not be your friend after a blow out. Weigh yourself instead on a saturday morning before your blowout after a good week of sticking to your allowance.
I will go into more depth about flexible dieting and macronutrients in future blogs, but all the above is your bog standard starting line. If you have any questions or need any future help or advise, pop me a comment below or drop me an email on firstname.lastname@example.org
Hope this helps, much love, Steph TWL xxx