I CALL BULLSHIT!!!
So there's this quote... You've all heard it. You've all seen it. Some of you agree with it. Some of you live by it. No matter how good your heart is, eventually you have to start treating people the way they treat you.
I was on the fence. Now let me tell you this year has been focking torturous. Mentally and emotionally thus it affected me physically and I gave up/gained weight etc. I was in a rut, I didn't want to get out of bed most days. Life seemed pretty pointless. Everything that I was once sure of and felt so solid to me in my hands, turned to sand, to dust and filtered through the fingers of my life, pretty damn quickly to be honest. A future I could once see so beautifully clear became blurry on the edges, slowly swirling and distorting until it was completely obliterated - gone.
I would wake up, wishing I could go back to sleep and dream the days away. I would lie awake staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell life held for me now, what is my purpose, why the fock am I here? Why is my body still breathing, keeping me in this when my soul feels dead. Everything felt so heavy, all the time, just breathing was like a lead weight in my chest, anti depressants and Zapain lulling me every night into blackness, emptiness, a place with no feelings. Bliss.
I hated the world, I started to feel bitter. I have literally been fighting since I could draw breath. I spent my whole upbringing never feeling enough. Never good enough unless it was getting beat or sexually abused out of me. Sex was love. Obedience was love. Fear was love. It was so so easy to give in to it all. To be promiscuous to feel enough, to feel needed, to feel loved. To people please to be wanted, to be somebody else's ideal to be good enough, to be anything but myself to be loved. It was forever a battle between wills in my head to be submissive to be accepted or rebel and be the cunt everyone else is, to be cruel and judgemental and harsh.
Until I sat with myself and called BULLSHIT on the whole focking world. Two evils do not make a right. If I treat others like a cunt, we're just going to have this massive bitter world full of cunts. Full of hate, of obedience, of two faced people, of the correct labels and the correct look to fit some other cunts ideal of what is perfect in life.
THAT IS NOT ME. No matter what this world, this life has thrown at me, I have powered through with glorious purpose (Loki pun!) to want, to believe, to hope that there is more out there that this constant drivel of shite! I changed my second name to Hope for a reason. There is always Hope. Always.
I'm different. There is absolutely no focking doubting that. I'm too soft. I'm too much a dreamer. I believe in happily ever after, in fairy tale romances, in growing old with someone, in belly laughs, in eye opening adventures, in making memories. I'm not a realist. I feel everything too deeply. I think too much. I love too much. I hope too much. The problem has never been that I'm not enough. I see it clearly now that I have always been TOO MUCH because I have never found a soul big enough to accept the muchness that is me.
I used to have this profound fear that I NEEDED to be married to be accepted. I'm not christened you see and I believed if I was not married either in the eyes of the universe I wouldn't be enough for the afterlife. My place would not be secure. I would not be good enough to be there either. As much as it is my dream to be swept off of my feet by my soulmate one day and be married and adventure and grow old together. I'm happy to wait. And I will wait. As long as I need to wait. And if it doesn't happen to me. That is ok. I will know it is not because I'm not enough, but because I am too much for one person and have too much love within me to be contained. I will spread love wherever I go and if I open doors of bitterness and hate, I will not treat others how they treat me. I will simply shut the door and walk away knowing whatever room is beyond that door, is not enough to contain the muchness that is me.
Life is focking magic. Really it is. Every where you look. Every little thing about it is just beautiful. It hurts my heart so much that there is as much evil in this world as there is. But I would rather flit through life believing in the magic, in the beauty, hoping and dreaming. Then succumb to the evil and blend into that bitterness and lose myself in the process.