Maybe its the shift in the world wide spiritual energy at the moment or maybe I'm just fast approaching a mid life crisis? I don't know. But either way I've been sitting on my thoughts and pondering life and my life's purpose a lot lately. Which I guess is normal when life is topsy turvey and you're in lockdown after lockdown and everything you were once looking forward to has now been cancelled. There's not much else to do other than reflect that energy inwards and ponder the little things- or are they the big things?
I feel like life is running away from me, slipping through my fingers before I can catch it, breezing by too quickly. My babies are no longer "babies" (even though they are) they have their own personalities and their own life's dreams and goals. They're independent and free spirited, full of character. I know, before I know it, they'll be off, flying the nest and out in the big wide world on their own adventure-living.
And it's frightening. I want nothing but love and happiness for them and a life full of beautiful memories. I can only hope I have given them good foundations to build on and a zest for living. Have I done enough? Have I tried my best for them? Have I done them proud?
Will they remember my sleepless nights, the days I've been too exhausted to cook so ordered in. They see it as a treat night, I see it as a rest. Will they understand the sacrifices, the inner struggles to be a good mum, whilst trying to grow and be a good person myself. Will they understand the difficult choices that I've had to make in order to protect them. Will they remember the days I didn't want to get out of bed but instead took them for days out. Will they remember the parent partner craft sessions I attended, will they remember me screaming at the top of my lungs on sports day and competing in the mums race, will they remember me crying with joy, smiling while watching their concerts. Will they appreciate my bluntness and my willingness to answer every nitty gritty question they throw at me from questions about pregnancy, sex, birth and bisexuality to the meaningful ones about family always coming first, reincarnation and heaven. Will they have each others back when I'm gone. Will the memory of me and what I leave behind be enough for them?
There's no right or wrong way to parent. WE ARE ALL WINGING IT. I know 90% of parents do the best they can for their tribes and wear the same holey knickers and misshapen bras for years so that our babies don't go without. We won't blink an eye spending hundreds on them but spit out our brews at the sheer thought of spending it on ourselves. We all change and adapt our parenting technique by looking up at our parents, my mums mum parented a certain way and there were things my mum would of done differently so she changed that pattern raising her own. I watched the way my mum was parenting me and felt there were things I would of done different and in turn changed them patterns again when raising my tribe.
I'm very laid back in what I want for them, I just want them to be happy no matter what path they take. I don't care what job they have, as long as they are hardworking and happy. I don't care who they love, as long as they're loved, cared for and happy in that relationship. I don't care where they go as long as they're careful, safe and happy. I'm open to them trying alcohol and smoking/vaping because I was a kid once and we all try things. I don't want them off in a park at midnight doing it because they feel it's taboo and they can't try it in the safety of their home. I don't want them having unprotected sex because they don't feel they can come to me for advice or contraception. I don't want them being afraid to bring girlfriends/boyfriends home because they think I'll be embarrassed if they're gay/bi/straight. As long as they're loved and happy. That is all I can hope and pray for.
I recently spoke to my mum about it and she bought me up telling me to have my own life first, university, a career, a car, a house. Then kids. She didn't want me to miss out on my life as she felt, in being a young parent she had missed out on so much in her life. Because as a parent your children naturally come first. I wanted her to understand I may not of done all the things she had wanted for me, or had the life she envisioned me having. BUT I WAS HAPPY. She had not failed. My early life was full of turbulence and I needed that stability. If I had done things differently I dread to think what path I would of taken being an emotionally unstable teenager. Becoming a young mother grounded me, gave me reason, gave my life so much purpose that it had never had before. I finally meant something to someone. I was enough for someone. Even on my worst days. And that someone called me MUM.